a year later. i am wiser.

January 22, 2009.

dear d,

i know you are one of those people who appreciate letters....well emails...hahaha. I know you are generally the go to person, i assume. sensitive. can understand what is going on to some extent. okay, here goes...i need someone to listen, but i am not very good with speaking...i am better with writing, formulating, correcting, editing. don't even know if i will send this. i think it would be shocking if i did, it's so not me.
i wish you could read me always...like i know you can mostly. it's like i have a hint of sadness or anger and you see it and react. i presume this leads to much of our conflict. you are too in tune, if there is such a thing.
you asked me today if i was okay....well here goes...
i am not okay. i think i live in a fairy tale. am i crazy? i plan things out. all the time. preemptive attacks that occur on a daily basis. it's like there is a fucking military in my head.
i want to get married. i want to be happy. to be happy. am i blinded by all around me. how do i not see, that i am not...it is not...what do i fear? the answer seems simple: i don't want to be alone. the ultimate fear: being alone, and in doing so, will i ultimately be better? mistakes. we all make them. sometimes an eraser will come along and all that is left is a noticable smudge, but in life there is not erasers (i read that once). no erasers. so what if i am wrong.
i am so angry and sad. i think that is why i look so angry and sad. how do i escape? rhetorical questions.
what if i continue on this path? will i reach ultimate happiness?
how do you know? they say you just know.
what if i dont?
my whole life i have been playing catch up. being forever ahead, by any means necessary. when do i get caught up? when does it stop?
i am so tired. so tired. so tired and confused.

love,
-k