breakeven

"lovin life and feeling groovy."

one can only measure success if you have known failure, no one can know hate without love, it's impossible to know happiness if there was no sadness.

i know all of these things.

moving on. you were both a success and a failure. i hated you and loved you. you also showed me happiness through incredible sadness. you were my double sided coin, and i figured out the trick. you helped to shape me, but i am created in my own image only. i await one year. i await it with my eyes closed and my arms open. you did not defeat me. i still love with my whole heart, because anything less would not be who i am.

deleted. everything was deleted.

sigh.

forward motion.

shift.

one day you had me, and the next i am gone. i re-live you every week. ha. i found my spine. i located my backbone.

it is what it is. and i am loving it.

november 2009.

one time you old me of a card that you received that had a huge impact on you. perhaps you like to receive cards then. i have been replaying over and over in my head the last few months. i guess i think once it is really said we will have to deal with it and inevitably our relationship will change. i like you. like a school girl with a crush, i like you. there are many things i chose to do because you were there. you would be surprised at what i chose to do so that i could hang out with you. knowingly and unknowingly. for a while i assessed whether i thought that i truly liked you, or it was easy, convenient, there. my feelings did not falter.

regardless of what you think of this i want to thank you for opening my eyes to the possibility of someone who would treat me excellently, love me whole heartedly and that i deserve that.

i wouldn't say this if i didn't mean it, and i wouldn't risk it all if i didn't feel i had to. it is what it is, and it will be what it will be.

pieces.

when i love, i love with my whole heart. i don't know any other way. and when my heart breaks, it takes time for it to mend itself. i readily give away pieces of myself, openly and whole-heartedly, and when they are not returned, i shatter.

picking up the pieces.